Podcast 66: BASEketball (1998)

June 23, 2022 Jon S Movies, Podcasting 01:07:0793MB 0 Comments
BASEketball Trey Parker Matt Stone Southpark

The 3 Guys Podcast

Recorded on 6/16/2022

From the director of the “Naked Gun” and starring the creators of “South Park, this week we review David Zucker’s comedy BASEketball (released 1998) starring Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Yasmine Bleeth, Jenny McCarthy, Robert Vaughn, Ernest Borgnine and Dian Bachar. WARNING: There will be SPOILERS!

The 3 Guys Rating

2.2/5

Notes From The Show

  • Quick Synopsis

  • Released: July 31, 1998

    Directed By: David Zucker

    Screenplay By:  David Zucker, Robert LoCash, Jeff Wright and Lewis Friedman

    Stars: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Yasmine Bleeth, Jenny McCarthy, Robert Vaughn, Ernest Borgnine, Dian Bachar and a bunch of other actors

    Plot:      Two childhood friends are pro athletes of a national sport called BASEketball, a hybrid of baseball and basketball, and must deal with a greedy businessman scheming against their team.

    Tagline:  From the director of the “Naked Gun” and starring the creators of “South Park”

    How did this movie do
    Budget: $23 Million
    Box Office: $7 Million

  • Casting

    • Chris Farley turned down the role of Joe Cooper. The script was subsequently offered to Trey Parker and Matt Stone who rewrote it to reflect their sensibilities better.

  • South Park References

    • In the final game, when trying to “psych-out” a fat Dallas player by commenting on his weight, Trey Parker’s character Joe Cooper begins to speak in a high pitch, “whiny” voice reminiscent of Eric Cartman, another character from South Park (1997).

    • The line used by Joe Cooper (Trey Parker), “I forgot how much Douglas Remer cares about kids!” is spoken with the same voice Trey uses for his South Park (1997) character Mr. Garrison.

    • In response to a negative review from Roger Ebert, Parker and Stone named the South Park second season episode “Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods”, which, despite its title, did not feature Ebert.

    • Parker and Stone referenced BASEketball’s negative reception in South Park’s season eight episode, “The Passion of the Jew”, where at one point, Stan Marsh tells Kenny McCormick as they attempt to get a refund for the tickets they bought to see Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ: “This is about being able to hold bad filmmakers responsible! This is just like when we got our money back for BASEketball!”

  • How To Play

  • Setup: The game is focused on shooting baskets from different distances. The different shot areas signify single squares, double squares and triple squares, with each area representing the points awarded. Additionally, if the shooter makes a shot from half-court, that is considered an automatic home run.  After making a shot, the shooter runs the bases. Teams are made up of 6 players each, with 3 players on offense and 3 on defense.

    Objective: To outscore the opposing team.

    Defense: Players on defense can use Psycho-outs to distract the other team’s shooter. This can include spitting beer on the other player, offensive remarks, cutting off a fake finger, sound effects, etc. Defense may not touch the player or block their view of the hoop. 3 Defensive players are positioned in front of 3 offensive players. While one defensive player is guarding the shooting player, the other 2 are positioned under the basket.  Their job is to rebound the baseketball.  If the shoot ball bounces off the backboard or the rim, they may attempt to make a basket for a double play, which counts as 2 of the 3 outs in a given inning.

    Play: The game is divided into 9 innings.  Each shot missed or if the shooter steps out of the designated area, it is counted as an Out.  When 3 outs are earned, the other team takes over on offense.  Balls and strikes are not part of the game.
    To start the game, both teams take turns shooting from the first base until one team makes a basket.  The first team to make a basket gets to shoot first in each inning over the course of the game.  The offense player will choose a base to shoot from.  If he makes the shot, the player will run to the base indicated by their shot (if they make a single, the player runs to first base). If the next player makes double, the player would run to second base, while the earlier runner advances two bases to third.  A run is scored when a shot required to get the player home is made, advancing the player around all 4 bases. Additionally, an offensive player is not allowed to shoot 2 of the same shots in a row.  The team with the most points after 9 innings is declared the winner.

  • Trivia

    • Trey Parker and Matt Stone agreed to do this film under the assumption by the time filming began, South Park (1997) would have already been canceled. It wasn’t, and having been committed to both projects, had to attend principal photography for this project during the day and produce South Park (1997) during the night, leaving very little time for any sleep.

    • The role of Kenny “Squeak” Scolari (Dian Bachar) was created when Trey Parker and Matt Stone were cast. Director David Zucker had no intentions of a third character, but Trey and Matt convinced him to create the part.

    • The movie is based on a real-life game that director David Zucker created with his friends, literally played in the driveway of his home. Many of the reappearing teammates are friends of Zucker and actual original players of the Zucker-driveway game, asked by the director to be in the movie to pay homage to origins of BASEketball.

    • In the scene where Remer meets with his entertainment lawyer, Coop accuses of Remer of being a “sell-out” for doing “a big Hollywood movie” now that he’s famous, leading to Coop and Remer to act as though they’d heard that phrase before. This is a reference to the fact that, when BASEketball was announced, many of South Park’s fans accused Matt Stone and Trey Parker of being “sell-outs” for doing “a big Hollywood movie” now that they’re famous.

    • The internet slang for stupidity, the expression ‘derp’ was first used as a line in this film by Matt Stone’s character. The term is later used in a number of episodes of South Park by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, that led to the spread and usage of the term.

    • The word “dude” is spoken a total of 98 times throughout the movie (including the scene after the credits). 21 of these are during Coop and Remer’s “dude” argument.

    • During the “Unsolved Mysteries” scene, almost all of the computer users in the background behind Robert Stack are playing solitaire, Except the one to the far right that is playing the classic point-and-click adventure game Myst by Cyan.

    • The scene where Joey asks Coop to hit a home run for him on the night of his liver operation is inspired by a real life event in which Babe Ruth visited a sick child in the hospital and promised to hit two home runs for him.

    • The same fruit bowl presented as the championship trophy for the driveway game was an element of the Denslow Cup trophy presented to the champions when the game went professional.

    • During the scene in the hospital, these lines are all improvised by Parker and Stone. Remer: “I’m giving her all I’ve got, Captain.” Coop: “I love you, I always have.”

    • The shooting schedule worked out in such a way that Yasmine Bleeth’s first scene was the one where she walks in on Matt Stone and Trey Parker naked in the locker rooms.

    • Al Michaels made $60,000 for his part in the film and Bob Costas made $50,000. Michaels had originally agreed to be paid $15,000, but when Costas told Michaels during filming that he was making $50,000 for the movie, Michaels became apoplectic. Michaels then hired a lawyer to re-negotiate his salary and it was raised to $60,000.

    • At the end of the movie when Coop and Remer fall into the Lagoon of Peace, one of them says to “Hold your breath right before we go in and never let go.” These are lines from Titanic right before Jack and Rose fall in the water as the ship sinks.

    • This is Robert Vaughn’s 100th film.

    • The microphone flag the sports reporter has is for UPN affiliate WCGV channel 24. This was an actual station’s logo, call sign, and channel in Milwaukee during the time the movie was released.

    • The song Cooper is humming when he uses plant clippers to cut off his finger when psyching out the San Antonio Defenders player is heavily based upon the instrumental theme played during the pre-feature animated trailer at General Cinema Corporation movie theaters.

    • There are 25 “psych outs” during the film.

    • The kissing scene when Coop and Remer make up was Parker and Stone’s idea

    • In the scene in the car where Cooper is listening to the radio and the song starts “your life is spinning out of control”, it is actually Trey Parker singing on the recording of that song.

    • Victoria Silvstedt, Kelly Monaco, and Courtney Ford’s film debut.

    • During the hospital scene where Coop and Remer are “attempting” to bring little Joey back to life, Coop requests heart paddles, calling them “the little things George Clooney uses.” This is a reference to when Clooney was on E.R. (1994). Clooney would later cameo as Dr. Gouache in South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut (1999) and as Sparky the dog in the South Park television series.

    • The line “you’re excited? Feel these nipples!” was previously used by director David Zucker in Brain Donors (1992), which he produced. It was reused in another movie Zucker directed, Scary Movie 3 (2003).

    • The taxi that Dale Earnhardt drives has a big #3 on each side, just like the NASCAR racer he was famous for competing in.

    • Director David Zucker is one of the three men with hotdogs shooting out (he’s in the middle) when the pole dancing cheerleaders are performing.

    • Reel Big Fish performs at the Baseketball event

    • The car that they are working on is a Chevrolet Corvair.

    • When Joey is in the hospital, Coop yells “10000 volts!” and Doug increases the machine to 15,000 volts.

    • Cast includes one Oscar winner Ernest Borgnine and two Oscar nominees Robert Vaughn and Robert Stack.

    • The celebration salute that Remer, Coop, and Squeak do after the Beers win the Denslow Cup is the same salute that the NFL team the Denver Broncos did as a touchdown celebration at the time. This was known as the “Mile High Salute”. Matt Stone and Trey Parker are avid Denver Broncos fans.

    • During the scene where a young Coop and Remer are at the 1977 World Series one of the fans seated next to him is Matt Stone

    • Body Count: 5 (three are mentioned on a news report).

Released: July 31, 1998

Directed By: David Zucker

Screenplay By:  David Zucker, Robert LoCash, Jeff Wright and Lewis Friedman

Stars: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Yasmine Bleeth, Jenny McCarthy, Robert Vaughn, Ernest Borgnine, Dian Bachar and a bunch of other actors

Plot:  Two childhood friends are pro athletes of a national sport called BASEketball, a hybrid of baseball and basketball, and must deal with a greedy businessman scheming against their team.

Tagline:  From the director of the “Naked Gun” and starring the creators of “South Park”

How did this movie do
Budget: $23 Million
Box Office: $7 Million

  • Chris Farley turned down the role of Joe Cooper. The script was subsequently offered to Trey Parker and Matt Stone who rewrote it to reflect their sensibilities better.
  • In the final game, when trying to “psych-out” a fat Dallas player by commenting on his weight, Trey Parker’s character Joe Cooper begins to speak in a high pitch, “whiny” voice reminiscent of Eric Cartman, another character from South Park (1997).

  • The line used by Joe Cooper (Trey Parker), “I forgot how much Douglas Remer cares about kids!” is spoken with the same voice Trey uses for his South Park (1997) character Mr. Garrison.

  • In response to a negative review from Roger Ebert, Parker and Stone named the South Park second season episode “Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods”, which, despite its title, did not feature Ebert.

  • Parker and Stone referenced BASEketball’s negative reception in South Park’s season eight episode, “The Passion of the Jew”, where at one point, Stan Marsh tells Kenny McCormick as they attempt to get a refund for the tickets they bought to see Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ: “This is about being able to hold bad filmmakers responsible! This is just like when we got our money back for BASEketball!”

Setup: The game is focused on shooting baskets from different distances. The different shot areas signify single squares, double squares and triple squares, with each area representing the points awarded. Additionally, if the shooter makes a shot from half-court, that is considered an automatic home run.  After making a shot, the shooter runs the bases. Teams are made up of 6 players each, with 3 players on offense and 3 on defense.

Objective: To outscore the opposing team.

Defense: Players on defense can use Psycho-outs to distract the other team’s shooter. This can include spitting beer on the other player, offensive remarks, cutting off a fake finger, sound effects, etc. Defense may not touch the player or block their view of the hoop. 3 Defensive players are positioned in front of 3 offensive players. While one defensive player is guarding the shooting player, the other 2 are positioned under the basket.  Their job is to rebound the baseketball.  If the shoot ball bounces off the backboard or the rim, they may attempt to make a basket for a double play, which counts as 2 of the 3 outs in a given inning.

Play: The game is divided into 9 innings.  Each shot missed or if the shooter steps out of the designated area, it is counted as an Out.  When 3 outs are earned, the other team takes over on offense.  Balls and strikes are not part of the game.
To start the game, both teams take turns shooting from the first base until one team makes a basket.  The first team to make a basket gets to shoot first in each inning over the course of the game.  The offense player will choose a base to shoot from.  If he makes the shot, the player will run to the base indicated by their shot (if they make a single, the player runs to first base). If the next player makes double, the player would run to second base, while the earlier runner advances two bases to third.  A run is scored when a shot required to get the player home is made, advancing the player around all 4 bases. Additionally, an offensive player is not allowed to shoot 2 of the same shots in a row.  The team with the most points after 9 innings is declared the winner.

  • Trey Parker and Matt Stone agreed to do this film under the assumption by the time filming began, South Park (1997) would have already been canceled. It wasn’t, and having been committed to both projects, had to attend principal photography for this project during the day and produce South Park (1997) during the night, leaving very little time for any sleep.

  • The role of Kenny “Squeak” Scolari (Dian Bachar) was created when Trey Parker and Matt Stone were cast. Director David Zucker had no intentions of a third character, but Trey and Matt convinced him to create the part.

  • The movie is based on a real-life game that director David Zucker created with his friends, literally played in the driveway of his home. Many of the reappearing teammates are friends of Zucker and actual original players of the Zucker-driveway game, asked by the director to be in the movie to pay homage to origins of BASEketball.

  • In the scene where Remer meets with his entertainment lawyer, Coop accuses of Remer of being a “sell-out” for doing “a big Hollywood movie” now that he’s famous, leading to Coop and Remer to act as though they’d heard that phrase before. This is a reference to the fact that, when BASEketball was announced, many of South Park’s fans accused Matt Stone and Trey Parker of being “sell-outs” for doing “a big Hollywood movie” now that they’re famous.

  • The internet slang for stupidity, the expression ‘derp’ was first used as a line in this film by Matt Stone’s character. The term is later used in a number of episodes of South Park by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, that led to the spread and usage of the term.

  • The word “dude” is spoken a total of 98 times throughout the movie (including the scene after the credits). 21 of these are during Coop and Remer’s “dude” argument.

  • During the “Unsolved Mysteries” scene, almost all of the computer users in the background behind Robert Stack are playing solitaire, Except the one to the far right that is playing the classic point-and-click adventure game Myst by Cyan.

  • The scene where Joey asks Coop to hit a home run for him on the night of his liver operation is inspired by a real life event in which Babe Ruth visited a sick child in the hospital and promised to hit two home runs for him.

  • The same fruit bowl presented as the championship trophy for the driveway game was an element of the Denslow Cup trophy presented to the champions when the game went professional.

  • During the scene in the hospital, these lines are all improvised by Parker and Stone. Remer: “I’m giving her all I’ve got, Captain.” Coop: “I love you, I always have.”

  • The shooting schedule worked out in such a way that Yasmine Bleeth’s first scene was the one where she walks in on Matt Stone and Trey Parker naked in the locker rooms.

  • Al Michaels made $60,000 for his part in the film and Bob Costas made $50,000. Michaels had originally agreed to be paid $15,000, but when Costas told Michaels during filming that he was making $50,000 for the movie, Michaels became apoplectic. Michaels then hired a lawyer to re-negotiate his salary and it was raised to $60,000.

  • At the end of the movie when Coop and Remer fall into the Lagoon of Peace, one of them says to “Hold your breath right before we go in and never let go.” These are lines from Titanic right before Jack and Rose fall in the water as the ship sinks.

  • This is Robert Vaughn’s 100th film.

  • The microphone flag the sports reporter has is for UPN affiliate WCGV channel 24. This was an actual station’s logo, call sign, and channel in Milwaukee during the time the movie was released.

  • The song Cooper is humming when he uses plant clippers to cut off his finger when psyching out the San Antonio Defenders player is heavily based upon the instrumental theme played during the pre-feature animated trailer at General Cinema Corporation movie theaters.

  • There are 25 “psych outs” during the film.

  • The kissing scene when Coop and Remer make up was Parker and Stone’s idea

  • In the scene in the car where Cooper is listening to the radio and the song starts “your life is spinning out of control”, it is actually Trey Parker singing on the recording of that song.

  • Victoria Silvstedt, Kelly Monaco, and Courtney Ford’s film debut.

  • During the hospital scene where Coop and Remer are “attempting” to bring little Joey back to life, Coop requests heart paddles, calling them “the little things George Clooney uses.” This is a reference to when Clooney was on E.R. (1994). Clooney would later cameo as Dr. Gouache in South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut (1999) and as Sparky the dog in the South Park television series.

  • The line “you’re excited? Feel these nipples!” was previously used by director David Zucker in Brain Donors (1992), which he produced. It was reused in another movie Zucker directed, Scary Movie 3 (2003).

  • The taxi that Dale Earnhardt drives has a big #3 on each side, just like the NASCAR racer he was famous for competing in.

  • Director David Zucker is one of the three men with hotdogs shooting out (he’s in the middle) when the pole dancing cheerleaders are performing.

  • Reel Big Fish performs at the Baseketball event

  • The car that they are working on is a Chevrolet Corvair.

  • When Joey is in the hospital, Coop yells “10000 volts!” and Doug increases the machine to 15,000 volts.

  • Cast includes one Oscar winner Ernest Borgnine and two Oscar nominees Robert Vaughn and Robert Stack.

  • The celebration salute that Remer, Coop, and Squeak do after the Beers win the Denslow Cup is the same salute that the NFL team the Denver Broncos did as a touchdown celebration at the time. This was known as the “Mile High Salute”. Matt Stone and Trey Parker are avid Denver Broncos fans.

  • During the scene where a young Coop and Remer are at the 1977 World Series one of the fans seated next to him is Matt Stone

  • Body Count: 5 (three are mentioned on a news report).

About The Movie From IMDB

BASEketball | July 31, 1998 (United States) 6.5
Director: David ZuckerWriter: David Zucker, Robert LoCash, Lewis FriedmanStars: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Dian BacharSummary:

Photos


See all photos >>

Videos


See all videos >>

Cast

Trey Parker
...
Joe Cooper
Matt Stone
...
Doug Remer
Dian Bachar
...
Squeak Scolari
Yasmine Bleeth
...
Jenna Reed
Jenny McCarthy-Wahlberg
...
Yvette Denslow
Ernest Borgnine
...
Ted Denslow
Robert Vaughn
...
Baxter Cain
Trevor Einhorn
...
Joey Thomas
Bob Costas
...
Bob Costas
Al Michaels
...
Al Michaels
Robert Stack
...
Robert Stack - Unsolved Mysteries Host
Reggie Jackson
...
Reggie Jackson
Dan Patrick
...
Dan Patrick
Kenny Mayne
...
Kenny Mayne
Tim McCarver
...
Tim McCarver
Pat O'Brien
...
Pat O'Brien
Jim Lampley
...
Jim Lampley
Dale Earnhardt
...
Dale Earnhardt

See full cast >>
Countries: United StatesLanguages: EnglishBudget: $25,000,000 (estimated)
Source: imdb.com
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Note: All images are property of their respected owners and used for editorial purposes.

6.5
BASEketball | July 31, 1998 (United States)
Director: David ZuckerWriter: David Zucker, Robert LoCash, Lewis FriedmanStars: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Dian Bachar
Summary:
Countries: United StatesLanguages: English
Source: imdb.comDisclaimer: This plugin has been coded to automatically quote data from imdb.com. Not available for any other purpose. All showing data have a link to imdb.com. The user is responsible for any other use or change codes.

Quotes

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Your bed is over here.

[indicates a dog bed]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?

Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Yeah I could.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.

Joseph R. Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of shit.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not a piece of shit!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

Robert Stack: The police have pieced together numerous theories on Coop's whereabouts.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I have no fucking clue where the hell he is. For all I care he could be hanging by his neck in his fucking closet!

Robert Stack: Scenario One: He's hanging by his neck in his fucking closet.

Jenna Reed: You want to know where Coop is? Just look for the most heinous, vile, and horrible exploitation of children on the planet.

Robert Stack: Scenario Two: Coop went to Disney World.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.

Joseph R. Cooper: I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

Narrator: Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.

Joseph R. Cooper: Hey pigfucker, can I call you pigfucker?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, only my friends can call me pigfucker.

[standing at the front door]

Coop: It's Coop and Remer.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: We graduated with Britney.

Dr. Kaiser: You graduated?

Coop: Of course we graduated, cock - Beer?

[in the house]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Man this place looks like a Dockers commercial.

Coop: Oh hey, Stef!

Stephanie: Coop! Remer!

Coop: You wanna beer?

Stephanie: Oh, my God, you guys haven't changed since High School!

Coop: Oh, cool.

Stephanie: No, it isn't.

Coop: Cock. Hey, Skidmark Steve, cool. You still hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?

Skidmark Steve: Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to?

Coop: Just hanging out. Playing Nintendo. Cock.

Ted Denslow: Now your kids with your loud music, and your Dan Fogleberg, your Zima, hula hoops and pac-man video games, don't you see? People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds!

Joseph R. Cooper: If you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.

Joseph R. Cooper: What is something you really want?

Joey: Chelsea Clinton.

Joseph R. Cooper: That's a tough order, dude.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You'd have a better shot at Bill.

Bob Costas: And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up "Scooter" on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference?" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell and "Same Old Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.

Dan Patrick: With the first nine months of the Baseketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is starting to emerge.

Kenny Mayne: So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Milwaukee Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.

Dan Patrick: Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.

Kenny Mayne: So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, a two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not going out with his sister!

Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that's the defense, ya gotta psych them out.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, ya gotta say totally fucked up shit to psych them out.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Oh... Hey wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally fucked up?

Coop: Dude, I'm not gonna cave in! End of story, dude!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude?

Coop: Dude!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!

Coop: Dude!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!

Coop: Dude!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!

[Off Coop's shocked look]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude.

Coop: Well, I guess you've got a point there.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [an enormous shadow is cast over Squeak. He looks at his hand, where Reemer has written "crib notes" so that Squeak can psyche-out his much larger opponent]

[reading, with difficulty]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Your mother's deaf...

Ed Tuttle: My mother's dead, you little twerp.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [Squeak reads from his hand again] I guess that why she didn't move around a lot.

Joseph R. Cooper: Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... FUCK!

Joseph R. Cooper: Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally fucked me there!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, relax. It was a joke.

Joseph R. Cooper: Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You think she got the hots for you? Shit. Squeak has a better chance that you do.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Hey, you think?

Joseph R. Cooper: That is low. You son of a bitch.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Why is that low?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [Reemer pulls Squeak out of a drawer-bed]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Wake up bitch! You're my new best friend!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [half-conscious] Really? Are we going to the zoo?

Narrator: The Raiders moved from Oakland to LA back to Oakland, no-one seemed to notice.

Joseph R. Cooper: [Squeak is trying to shut off their gas] Shoot for it.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Shoot for it? What are you, insane? This is my job, you assholes!

Joseph R. Cooper: Look, it's a good deal. All you gotta do is make a single from right here, and you can shut off our gas and we'll never call you "Squeak" again.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Or bitch.

Joseph R. Cooper, Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [Coop and Reemer exchange looks] Or bitch.

[together]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [Squeak lines up, ready to shoot] All right. Check this shit out.

Joseph R. Cooper: [psyche-out] Steve Perry.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Huh?

[shoots and misses, ball bounces off roof and hits dog]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Tough break, Squeak.

Joseph R. Cooper: Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.

[agitated dog growls, and rocks gate vigorously]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.

Joseph R. Cooper: No you don't, you like Taco Bell!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, one time I was at this hospital, in france, and I met this great chick.

Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that was a hostel.

Surgeon: Has there been a rise in his fluid intake? SWEET JESUS! His sodium levels are through the roof!

Surgery Nurse: I don't get it. He's eight years old and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.

Bob Costas: You're excited? Feel these nipples!

Jenna Reed: I've been the director of the Dream Come True foundations since October.

Joseph R. Cooper: The ones that grant wishes to sick a dying kids, right?

Jenna Reed: Oh, well we like to think of them as health challenged and survival impaired.

Joseph R. Cooper: [with Australian accent] Eeer seen those beer commercials? How to speak San Franciscan?

[He pulls Squeak's shorts down, revealing his bottom]

Joseph R. Cooper: Vajoyna!

[the referees penalize him]

Joseph R. Cooper: Oh come on, that wasn't a gay joke, it was an Australian joke!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's flat-lining!

Joseph R. Cooper: Quick, where are those little heart paddles? The ones George Clooney uses!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No! Not those!

Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [takes Joey's pulse]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No pulse!

Joseph R. Cooper: Turn up the power! 10,000 volts!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 10,000 volts!

Joseph R. Cooper: Clear!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Clear!

[Speak fails to clear, gets electrocuted]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, it's not working!

Joseph R. Cooper: Turn it up! 15,000 volts!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: 15,000 volts!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: [ears smoking] No...

[Sqeak is thrown back from the shock]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, do you even know what you're doing?

Joseph R. Cooper: What does it look like?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: An execution?

Joseph R. Cooper: Damn it man I'm trying to save an innocent life!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I'm giving you all I've got captain!

Joseph R. Cooper: I love ya always have. Heh.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Heh.

Joseph R. Cooper: CLEAR!

Referee 1: What's the matter with Coop?

Referee 2: I don't know, but he's 1 for 11 and he smells like Christian Slater!

Joseph R. Cooper: If I had a nickel for every time that ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I'd have a shitload of nickels!

[trying to psych out a player in their very first game]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Ugh! One of Britney's moms pubic hairs!

[pulls hairs from mouth]

Basketball player: [disgusted voice] Psh... Ohhhh man!

Joseph R. Cooper: HAH! You lose! Dude that was a SWEET psyche-out!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: UGH HERES ANOTHER ONE!

[pulls out more hairs from teeth]

Bob Costas: It's hard to believe that just five years ago this game was played only in driveways.

Al Michaels: [camera shifts to Beers cheerleaders] Yes, it's also hard to believe that just five years ago those girls were only in grade school.

Coop: Ya know sometimes I forget why I play the game. I do it because of Mr. October.

Jenna Reed: You mean the guy from the Chippendales Calendar?

Coop: No that was Dwayne Zachemore...

[Coop looks surprised]

Coop: I mean who ever it was...

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No more Journey psyche-outs.

Joey Thomas: I've always dreamed of big game hunting. How about killing an endangered species? Like a bald eagle or a giant panda!

Jenna Reed: Well Joey I don't think that's really in the true spirit of the foundation.

Joey Thomas: Well then how about poisoning a reservoir? I know! How about throwing flesh-eating fish into a public swimming pool?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: I don't think you're quite getting the point, dude.

Joseph R. Cooper: Who's this guy?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's my entertainment lawyer. He's helping me with my movie contract.

Joseph R. Cooper: Now you're such a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie? Fucking sellout.

Little Coop: You know Reemer, someday I'm going to be a big sports star.

[cut to present day]

Joseph R. Cooper: You know Reemer, someday I'm going to own a big sports bar.

Joseph R. Cooper: [repeated psyche-out] Steeeeve Perry!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Listen to me you little bitch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!

[Coop and Reemer are fighting]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

Joseph R. Cooper: Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight?

[in Cartman's voice]

Joseph R. Cooper: Hey, you guys, seriously, I'm fuckin' fat. Seriously, you guys, I'm fuckin' fat as fuck.

Singer: [singing] And those warts on your dick aren't gonna go away, unless you use topical cream everyday.

Dan Patrick: Hi there. I'm Dan Patrick.

Kenny Mayne: And I'm Kenny Mayne.

Dan Patrick: With the first seven months of the BASEketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is now starting to emerge.

Kenny Mayne: So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.

Dan Patrick: Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.

Kenny Mayne: So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, the two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.

Dan Patrick: Right.

Bob Costas: What an unfortunate thing to happen on dozen-egg night!

Joseph R. Cooper: He didn't pysche me out!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, if anyone should get the psyche-out, it should be Denslow!

Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, weak.

Joseph R. Cooper: Look, it's fat liposuctioned out of Marlon Brando's ass!

[Puts a straw in it]

Joseph R. Cooper: Aww, oh no, what am I doing here?

[Drinks it]

Joseph R. Cooper: Aww, it's all salty and warm! Oh, why would I do this? Ugh, this guy ate a lot of pork.

Jenna Reed: Joey, look who's here!

Joey Thomas: My biological father?

Joey Thomas: Mr. Squeak, what grade are you in?

Baxter Cain: When I see one of baseketball's hottest stars with less than 20 dollars in his pocket, driving an American car and sharing a small house with two other guys, you know what that says to me?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Homos?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [to one of the San Francisco players] I want to feel you... deep inside me!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Hey kid, think fast!

[He throws the ball, knocking the kid out cold]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's a little slow on the hands.

Jenna Reed: He's blind, Doug.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Wake up, bitch! You're my new best friend!

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Really?

[Doug carries Squeak]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Whoa. Are we going to the zoo?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Shut up.

Joseph R. Cooper: With that new liver he'll be peeing like a champ in no time!

Jenna Reed: That's kidneys, Coop.

Jenna Reed: Excuse me, driver? Can you go any faster?

Dale Earnhardt: [looks back] Can I go any faster?

[puts on his trademark black Goodwrench race helmet and accelerates the taxi]

Dale Earnhardt: HANG ON!

Joseph R. Cooper: No, it's not like horse.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Pff!

Joseph R. Cooper: Pff.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Pff.

Joseph R. Cooper: Pff!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Pff.

Ted Denslow: [Denslow's taped will reading] I would like everyone to leave the room, so I could have a private moment with Coop.

[Nobody moves]

Ted Denslow: Now that we're alone Coop, there's something I want to tell you. Remember when you had the crabs and the only thing that made you feel better was this lotion? Well I found another use for it! It feels so good, it makes me want to sing! Just like that night we spent in that tattoo parlour in Chicago, come on baby! I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts! And I'm too sexy for my car, too sexy for my car, too sexy by far!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Here's your decaf mocha Jenna, just like you take it, low fat milk, non-fat whipped cream, a little sprinkle of cinnamon.

Jenna Reed: Thank you Doug.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: And I baked you fresh poppy-seed muffins too.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: That's a dude.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: No way, you're just saying that because you want her for yourself.

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No dude, I'm saying that because she's a guy.

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: That's impossible. Just look at her. She's got the cutest little upturned nose, the softest lips. The sweetest Adam's apple.

Jenna Reed: What Joey really needs to know, is where are you going to be next year?

Joseph R. Cooper: Right here, and the next year, and the year after that, right up until Joey grows up... and gets a driver's license, and starts going out with girls... meets the right one, forgets about baseketball altogether.

[They kiss, then move apart]

Joseph R. Cooper: Goes home, does some pushups, fucks the sleeve of his favourite jacket...

Jenna Reed: What?

Joseph R. Cooper: Huh?

Baxter Cain: Do you think Shaq got rich playing in Orlando? Hardly, he made his fortune moving to L.A. You know how much he makes now?

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: As much as he made playing in college?

Baxter Cain: What? No, a lot more! Big money, and you can too!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Would I have to quit baseketball?

Baxter Cain: What? No, I need you to get Coop to go along!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He'd have to quit baseketball too?

Baxter Cain: [Dumbfounded, holding his head in pain] Ehhh... ahh...

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Did I just fart?

[Coop and Doug are standing outside of Brittany Kaiser's house waiting to be let in]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah dude, but this is Brittany Kaiser's house, and I really really wanna fuck her.

[both realize that her father is standing in the doorway]

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dr. Kaiser!

Joseph R. Cooper: Dr. Kaiser!

[in the locker room]

Joseph R. Cooper: Wh-what the hell are you talking about? You don't care about Jenna! You were just in a hot tub naked with Victoria Silvstead, Playmate of the Year!

Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You know what? That hurts, man. That really hurts. My clothing line in single-handedly saving Jenna's foundation.

Joseph R. Cooper: [in Herbert Garrison's voice] Oh, sorry! I forgot how much Doug Remer cares about kids!

Joe Cooper: Goddamn it, Remer! I told you this was going to happen, didn't I?

Doug Remer: Hey, If you would have agreed to Cain's changes in the first place, it never have got this far!

Joe Cooper: Dude, because of you! Jenna's foundation is totally screwed!

Doug Remer: Me? I was the one trying to...

Jenna Reed: Oh, there you are!

Joe Cooper: Jenna!

Jenna Reed: [comes to Coop and Remer] I saw the pictures!

[slams the pictures down]

Jenna Reed: This is awful! It's gonna mean the end of the foundation, you know it's not endowed like... Well, like.

Joe Cooper: Jenna, I can explain.

Doug Remer: Yes. It was his fault.

Joe Cooper: [to Remer] Me? This is your mess, Remer! I should have kept the team to myself!

Doug Remer: Dude, I just don't know you anymore!

Jenna Reed: Enough! Look at yourselves. You're just typical man with humongous... egos! You're like every pro athlete, I should have kept the kids away from you. Now, their little lives are ruined and all you can do is argue about who's the bigger penis! I mean, child... Long wanger, Oh! Throbbing cock, Ohhh! God, I don't even know what I mean anymore!

Joe Cooper: Jenna, wait!

[she leaves them]

Doug Remer: You got to believe us, Jenna! It was all Coop's fault!

[she slams the door]

Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: You wanna do an interview with me?

Tim McCarver: No.

Tim McCarver: I know this is a dark time for you, but I'd like your thoughts on what happened tonight.

Joseph R. Cooper: I lost the big game and a dear friend. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. I don't think I should be alone...

Tim McCarver: It does seem to be raining shit on Joe Cooper right now.

Reggie Jackson: I brought this for you. I saw some kid try to leave the ballpark with it. You got to hang on to that. I got the two home run balls that I hit in the Worlds Series. Some ratchet little shit got the third one.

Joseph R. Cooper: That sucks, dude.

Reggie Jackson: Hey Coop!

Joseph R. Cooper: I don't have your fucking ball!

Reggie Jackson: [Both Reggie Jackson and Coop look at each other in total shock]

Reggie Jackson: Good luck next year!

Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, thanks!

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