Buddy: [thinking Miles is an elf] Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?

Miles Finch: Hey, jackweed, I get more action in a week than you've had in your entire life. I've got houses in L.A., Paris and Vail. In each one, a 70 inch plasma screen. So I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and SMACK it off! You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time.

Buddy: [after a pause] He's an angry elf.

[Miles promptly attacks him]

Buddy: [whispering to the department store Santa] You sit on a throne of lies!

Buddy: [to Jovie] I think you're really beautiful and I feel really warm when I'm around you and my tongue swells up.

[pause]

Buddy: So... do you wanna eat food?

Santa: I've been to New York thousands of times.

Buddy: Really?

Santa: Mm-hmm.

Buddy: What's it like?

Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn't free candy.

Buddy: Oh.

Santa: Second, there are, like, thirty Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show", that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at presents before Christmas.

Buddy: We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.

Buddy: [Confused] Who the heck are you?

Gimbel's Santa: What are you talkin' about? I'm Santa Claus.

Buddy: No, you're not.

Gimbel's Santa: Uh, why of course I am! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Buddy: Well, if you're Santa, what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year?

Gimbel's Santa: Um, Happy Birthday of course. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. How old are you son?

Kid with Santa: Four.

Gimbel's Santa: You're a big boy. What's your name?

Kid with Santa: Paul.

Gimbel's Santa: Now what can I get you for Christmas?

Buddy: Paul, don't tell him what you want, he's a liar.

Gimbel's Santa: Let the kid talk.

Buddy: You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?

Gimbel's Santa: Just cool it, Zippy.

Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.

Gimbel's Santa: Look, I'm not kiddin'.

Buddy: You're a fake.

Gimbel's Santa: I'm a fake?

Buddy: Yes!

Gimbel's Santa: How'd you like to be dead, huh? Ho, ho, just kidding.

Buddy: You stink.

Gimbel's Santa: I think you're gonna have a good Christmas, all right.

Buddy: You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa.

NY 1 Reporter: Well, more proof that Santa is in the park because we have his book.

Michael: What's your name.

NY 1 Reporter: Charlotte Denon. New York 1.

Michael: D, D, Charlotte Denon wants a Tiffany engagement ring and for her boyfriend to stop dragging his feet and commit already.

Buddy: [out of breath from chasing Michael] Wow, you're fast. I'm glad I caught up to you. I waited 5 hours for you. Why is your coat so big? So, good news - I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have. How was school? Was it fun? Did you get a lot of homework? Huh? Do you have any friends? Do you have a best friend? Does he have a big coat, too?...

Michael: Go away!

Walter: [whispering] I think we should call security.

Deb: [whispering] Good idea.

Buddy: [whispering] I like to whisper too!

Buddy: [as he is hit by a snowball] SON of a NUTcracker!

Gimbel's Manager: [Sees Buddy smiling] Why are you smiling like that?

Buddy: I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite.

Buddy: [reading the note he left on the etch-a-sketch] "I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR."

Buddy: [phone rings, Buddy picks it up] Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?

Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

[excitedly enters a shop with neon sign: World's Best Cup of Coffee]

Buddy: You did it! Congratulations! "World's Best Cup of Coffee." Great job, everybody. It's great to meet you.

Emily: We can't just throw him out in the snow.

Walter: Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times.

Buddy: Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo...

Buddy: SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!

Buddy: [burps loud and long] Did you hear that?

Michael: You are so weird.

Eugene: [brainstorming for a new book] What about this: a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells.

[while Ice Skating, Buddy kisses her on the cheek]

Jovie: You missed.

[Buddy sees the mail room for the first time]

Buddy: This place reminds me of Santa's Workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.

Buddy: Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS!

Buddy: Hi!

Deb: Hi!

Buddy: Do you remember me?

Deb: I do! I didn't recognize you!

Buddy: I know I'm in work clothes!

Emily: You like sugar, huh?

Buddy: Is there sugar in syrup?

Emily: Yes.

Buddy: Then YES!

Buddy: It's just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.

Buddy: Deb, you have such a pretty face, you should be on a Christmas card!

Deb: Oh, you just made my day!

Buddy: I thought maybe we could make ginger bread houses, and eat cookie dough, and go ice skating, and maybe even hold hands.

Buddy: Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas Carol.

Jovie: No way.

Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.

Jovie: Thanks, but I don't sing.

Buddy: Oh, well, it's just like talking, except longer and louder, and you move your voice up and down.

Jovie: I *can* sing, I just choose *not* to sing. Especially in front of other people.

Buddy: If you can sing alone, you sing in front of other people. There's no difference.

Jovie: Actually, there's a BIG difference.

Buddy: No there's not. Wait...

[Starts singing loud and off-key]

Buddy: I'm singing/I'm in a store/and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!/I'm in a store/and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!

Gimbel's Manager: HEY! There's no singin' in the North Pole!

Buddy: Yes there is!

Gimbel's Manager: No there's not!

Buddy: We sing all the time!

Gimbel's Manager: No you don't!

Buddy: Especially when we build toys!

[Back to Jovie]

Buddy: See?

Gimbel's Manager: [showing Buddy around the floor] This, is the North Pole.

Buddy: No it isn't.

Gimbel's Manager: Yes it is.

Buddy: No it isn't.

Gimbel's Manager: Yes it is!

Buddy: No it's not. Where's the snow?

Walter: Who sent this Christmas Gram?

Buddy: What's a Christmas Gram? I want one!

Buddy: You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.

Jovie: Why were in the women's locker room?

Buddy: I heard you singing.

Jovie: Are you sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was naked in the shower?

Buddy: I didn't know you were naked.

Buddy: Reach out in front of you and take a sip. Don't look.

[Jovie sips the coffee and makes a yuck face]

Buddy: Well?

Jovie: It tastes like a crappy cup of coffee.

[Buddy chuckles as she removes the blindfold]

Jovie: It IS a crappy cup of coffee.

Buddy: No, it's the world's BEST cup of coffee.

Buddy: What about Santa's cookies? I suppose parents eat those too?

Buddy: Watch out, the yellow ones don't stop!

Buddy: I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.

Buddy: [to man on elevator] Oh, I forgot to give you a hug.

Gimbel's Manager: There's no singing in the North Pole.

Buddy: Yes there is.

Emily: So, Buddy, how'd you sleep?

Buddy: Great! I got a full 40 minutes!

Ming Ming: It's alright, Buddy. Just how many Etch-A-Sketches did you get finished?

[Buddy is silent]

Ming Ming: Come on, Buddy, how many?

Buddy: I made, uh... 85.

[elves stop working, stare in surprise]

Ming Ming: [observes elves, turns back to Buddy] 85? That puts you... 915 off the pace.

[shrugs]

Buddy: Why don't you just say it? I'm the worst toy-maker in the world. I'm a Cotton-Headed Ninnymuggins!

Puffin: Hey Buddy wanna pick some snowberries?

Buddy: Not now Arctic Puffin!

[Being beaten up by a dwarf he thinks is an elf]

Buddy: He's an *angry* elf!

Buddy: Good news! I saw a dog today!

Buddy: [after getting beat up by Miles Finch] He must be a South Pole elf.

Mr. Narwhal: Bye Buddy, hope you find your dad.

Buddy: Thanks, Mr. Narwhal.

Santa: That's another thing... Buddy you should know that your father... he's on the naughty list.

Buddy: Nooooo!

[first lines]

Papa Elf: Oh, hello. You're, uh, you're probably here about the story.

[the pages flip to show Papa Elf talking to the camera]

Papa Elf: Elves love to tell stories. I-I'll bet you didn't know that about elves. There's, uh, probably a lot of things you didn't know about elves. Another, another interesting, uh, elfism, uh, there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night while, you know, while the old cobbler sleeps.

[Cuts to elves doing work on the cobbler's shoes while the cobbler snores with his head on the table]

Disgruntled Cobbler Elf: Lazy bum! Couldn't even make a clog!

Papa Elf: You can bake cookies in a tree.

[Cuts to exterior view of a tree, which bursts into flames]

Papa Elf: As you can imagine, it's, uh, dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season.

[the elves inside run out screaming]

Tree Elf: I want to make shoes!

Papa Elf: But the third job, some call it, uh, "the show" or "the big dance," it's the profession that every elf aspires to. And that is to build toys in Santa's workshop.

[Buddy is pressing the elevator buttons at the same time]

Buddy: It looks like a Christmas tree.

Gimbel's Manager: Make work your favorite. That's your new favorite.

Buddy: My finger has a heartbeat.

Leon the Snowman: Why the long face, Buddy?

Buddy: It seems I'm not an elf.

Leon the Snowman: Of course you're not an elf. You're six-foot-three and had a beard since you were fifteen.

Emily: [tries some of Buddy's spaghetti with syrup] Oh, that's good.

Buddy: Good?

Emily: Good.

Buddy: Good!

Buddy: [to the doctor] Can I listen to your necklace?

Buddy: [to the racoon] Does somebody need a hug?

Buddy: I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.

Gimbel's Manager: 6-inch ribbon curls honey.

Jovie: That's impossible.

Gimbel's Manager: 6 INCHES!

Walter: What do you want? Some money?

Buddy: No! I just wanted to meet you and thought maybe you might want to meet me.

Walter: Who wouldn't wanna meet you?

Leon the Snowman: By the way, don't eat the yellow snow.

Buddy: Oh, I know that.

Buddy: First we'll make snow angels for a two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle.

[Buddy burps loudly]

Buddy: Did you hear that?

Buddy: [after getting off an elevator with a man] Oh, I forgot to give you a hug!

Buddy: [quickly, and high pitched] i love you. i love you! I LOVE YOU!

Miles Finch: [Buddy has just innocently called Miles an 'elf' because of his stature, and Miles is clearly very offended, and daring him] Call me an elf.

Buddy: You're an elf!

[Miles attacks Buddy]

Gimbel's Manager: [after Buddy has decorated the entire toy department] Hey guys, you seen the place? Pretty good, they must have brought in a professional. I dunno why, but someone's gunning for my job. But look, let's stick together on this. If you get wind of anything, call me on my radio. Channel three, code word is "Santa's got a brand new bag".

Buddy: So, how'd you get here?

Mailroom Guy: Work release.

Buddy: Mm...

[Mailroom Guy pours liquor, which Buddy mistakes for maple syrup, into his coffee]

Buddy: Oh, syrup and coffee? Why didn't I think of that - can I try some?

Mailroom Guy: Be my guest.

Buddy: Very generous of you. Mm...

[Buddy empties the whole bottle into his coffee, to Mailroom Guy's bewilderment]

Buddy: I love syrup. Oh, love it.

Buddy: I'm sorry that I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies in the VCR. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I'll never forget you. Love, Buddy.

Walter: [Buddy had just caused Walter to lose a client] You get the hell out of here.

Buddy: Where do you want me to go?

Walter: [Getting Angry] I don't care where you go.

[Angry]

Walter: I don't care that you're an elf!

[Angry]

Walter: I don't care that you're nuts!

[Really angry]

Walter: I don't care that you're my son!

[Furious]

Walter: Get out of my life! Now!

Santa: I'm getting too old for this.

Buddy: That's shocking!

Buddy: Sorry, sorry. I think your car is pretty.

Carolyn: Your costume is pretty.

Buddy: Oh, it's not a costume. I'm an elf. Well, technically, I'm a human, but I was raised by elves.

Carolyn: Oh. I'm a human... raised by humans.

Pom Pom: You don't look so good, Buddy, are you okay?

Buddy: [dazed] I'll be okay, I just need a glass of water...

[Buddy falls forward in a faint]

Pom Pom: Ahhhhhh!

[Buddy passes out on top of Pom Pom]

Pom Pom: [muffled] Buddy? Buddy!

Foom Foom: [as Buddy eavesdrops] It was quick thinking yesterday with that "Special Talents" thing.

Ming Ming: I feel bad for the guy. I just hope he doesn't get wise.

Foom Foom: Well, if he hasn't figured out he's a human by now, I don't think he ever will.

Miles Finch: [pitching ideas for a book] No tomatoes. Too vulnerable. Kids, they're already vulnerable.

Walter: See, I told you guys. I told them the same thing...

Miles Finch: And no farms. Everyone's pushing small town rural. A farm book would just be white noise.

Nun: But the children love the books!

[last lines]

Papa Elf: Susie, come here, little one. Poppy wants to see you.

[Buddy brings over Susie and sits on Papa Elf's lap]

Papa Elf: Buddy.

Fulton: Even if those two pages were in there, the book still would have sucked.

Ming Ming: I hate to do this to you, but do you think you could help me pick up the slack on those Etch-A-Sketches?

Foom Foom: No problem.

Ming Ming: [Buddy begins to eavesdrop] I appreciate it, Buddy is killing me. I've already got Lum Lum and Choo Choo pulling doubles.

Santa: I need an elf's help.

Buddy: I... I'm not an elf, Santa. I can't do anything right.

Santa: Buddy, you're more of an elf than anyone I ever met and the only one who I would want working on my sleigh tonight.

Elf Teacher: Now, before we learn how to build the latest in extreme graphic chipset processors, let's recite the code of the elves, shall we?

Michael: Whoa. Where did you say you were from again?

Santa: Oh no, it's the Central Park Rangers.

Walter: [Buddy raises his hand up] Yes, bud.

Buddy: Why is your name on the desk?

Walter: I bought the desk and my name's there so that no one steals it.

NY 1 Reporter: Dick, according to authorities, the area has been cleared. Only the Central Park Rangers remain in the park.

NY 1 Reporter: These forces are highly trained, but rarely see action. Some have accused them of being too gung ho when called into duty. And their crowd control tactics at the Simon and Garfunkel concert in 85 were much criticized.

Carolyn: Thanks Buddy!

Buddy: [the Central Park Rangers are chasing Santa's sleigh] Santa, why are they chasing us?

Santa: I put them on the naughty list and they never forgave me.

Fulton: [Firing Walter] Hobbs, Hobbs, Hobbs! If you walk out here, and you're finished at Greenway! You're finished!