Podcast 99: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

February 9, 2023 The Comic Book Guy Movies, Podcasting 01:23:54118MB 0 Comments
Dodgeball starring Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller

The 3 Guys Podcast

Recorded on 2/2/2023

A true underdog story. In this podcast we review Dodgeball starring Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor, Rip Torn and directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber. WARNING: There will be SPOILERS!

The 3 Guys Rating

4/5

Notes From The Show

  • Quick Synopsis

  • Released: June 18, 2004

    Directed By: Rawson Marshall Thurber

    Written By: Rawson Marshall Thurber

    Stars: Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor, Rip Torn and a bunch of other actors.

    Plot: A group of misfits enter a Las Vegas dodgeball tournament in order to save their cherished local gym from the onslaught of a corporate health fitness chain.

    Taglines:  A true underdog story.

    How did this movie do?
    Budget: $20 Million
    Box Office: $168 Million

  • Lawsuit

    • In 2005, two New York City screenwriters, David Price and Ashoka Thomas, filed suit in federal court against Fox and Thurber, claiming copyright infringement of an unproduced screenplay they had written, Dodgeball: The Movie. They alleged there were a number of similarities in the plots of the two screenplays, and that Thurber may have had access to their screenplay, which was finished a month before his and submitted to an agent whose assistant he was acquainted with. Lawyers for the defendants dismissed some of the allegations as coincidental. They said that both screenplays were the work of writers who used common formulaic elements.  Judge Shira Scheindlin denied the defense motion for summary judgment and ordered a jury trial. The suit was later settled out of court.

  • Cameos

    • David Hasselhoff: His brief cameo as the German team coach is a reference to Hasselhoff’s status as a million-selling pop star in Germany. His character throws down a framed promo photo of himself from Baywatch (1989).

    • David Hasselhoff: cameo as coach of the German team was a last minute addition, after stunt coordinator Alex Daniel mentioned he knew Hasselhoff personally.

    • Chuck Norris: Deciding member of the tournament committee.

    • Director Cameo: Rawson Marshall Thurber – The guy who throws the drink at Steve the Pirate on the Vegas strip.

  • Trivia

    • According to many cast members, the hardest part of filming the dodgeball scenes was not flinching when they knew they were about to be hit by a ball.

    • Many studios, including DreamWorks Pictures and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, passed on this movie. 20th Century Fox finally agreed when Ben Stiller reduced his salary to well under $1 million. As of March 2005, the movie has grossed over $124 million, when it only cost $23 million to make.

    • Adult dodgeball leagues began to spring up across the country around the time of the movie’s release. Cast member Gary Cole was even invited to a tournament in Chicago, Illinois.

    • Justin Long’s eyebrow was actually cut open by the first wrench thrown at him. All the wrenches thrown were made of rubber, but the first was harder than all of the others.

    • Ben Stiller broke three cameras in succession filming one scene, and even hit his wife Christine Taylor in the face once.

    • The unrated DVD contains a fake commentary where Ben Stiller and two main actors do nothing but fight, as well as claim to hate each other, before storming out forty minutes in. The commentary is then replaced with the commentary for There’s Something About Mary (1998). The real commentary is on the DVD as an Easter egg.

    • According to the director’s commentary on the DVD, Rawson Marshall Thurber wrote the roles of Peter La Fleur, White Goodman, and Justin with Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, and Justin Long respectively in mind. The latter was chosen because of his role in Galaxy Quest (1999).

    • Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor had an eighteen-month-old baby at home while shooting this movie. Taylor was so exhausted from taking care of the baby that she often dozed off in between takes.

    • In August 2017, ESPNU changed its name to ESPN8 “The Ocho”, and they actually show obscure sporting events, including Dodgeball Tournaments.

    • The movie refers to the then-fictional ESPN 8 “The Ocho”, as a means to lampoon the channel’s multiple outlets. “The Ocho” is a tongue-in-cheek reference to a nickname formerly used by ESPN2, “The Deuce”.

    • The entire cast practiced playing dodgeball about a month before filming began.

    • Patton Oswalt did the Foley work (voice) for the scene where Ben Stiller is having his “‘private time’ …with sour cream on top…” He also voiced the video store clerk calling about the three overdue videos at the movie’s beginning.

    • In the United States, the movie is promoted with the tagline “Grab life by the ball”. In foreign markets such as the United Kingdom and Australia, this is changed to the more risqué “Grab life by the balls”.

    • The original title of this movie was simply “Underdog”.

    • When Troop 417 first appears, the music heard is the old theme music for WWE wrestlers Michael Lockwood (Crash Holly), Bob Howard (Hardcore Holly), and Nora Greenwald (Molly Holly).

    • Norm MacDonald can be seen in some of the Globo Gym scenes; one is in the Globo Gym commercial, where he is in the background working out. At one point, he is talking to some girl who is working out, and this looks like he is hitting on her.

    • On the Rich Eisen show, Stephen Root said a lot of the audience members during the dodgeball scenes were actually prison inmates.

    • It is a popular fan theory that Ben Stiller’s character is the same person as his Heavyweights (1995) character Tony Perkis in that they are both ego-maniacal fitness gurus who are quite partial to the color purple.

    • Patches O’Houlihan’s (Rip Torn) jacket features unit patches for several U.S. Army units, some of which are: I Corps, 16th Military Police Brigade (missing Airborne tab), 75th Infantry Division, 103rd Infantry Division, and U.S. Army Special Forces (missing Airborne tab; patch is also sewn on upside down).

    • Al Kaplon, who played the tournament referee, was the referee for American Gladiators (2008).

    • Ken Marino auditioned for the role of Steve the Pirate. For the audition, he dressed in full pirate costume.

    • White Goodman (Ben Stiller) says that nobody makes him bleed his own blood, an homage to Nelson Muntz saying, “You made me bleed my own blood” on The Simpsons (1989) (episode “Bart the General”).

    • Before the final match, the crowd cheers “let them play” while the tournament committee decides if the match will go on. This is a tribute to the the scene in The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training (1977), where the Astrodome crowd shouts the same cheer to let the teams keep playing.

    • In a scene together, Ben Stiller’s character comments on Christine Taylor’s “see her lovely bone structure”. In their first movie together, Zoolander (2001), Ben’s character makes a similar comment to “show her bone structure”.

    • Then-unknown future WWE diva and GoDaddy girl Candice Michelle appears as one of the dodgeball cheerleaders.

    • The picture on the wall at Globo Gym with White “grabbing the bull by the horns” is originally a piece of artwork by legendary artist Boris Vallejo titled “Taurus, the Bull” which just has White’s head photo shopped onto the original models body.

    • The team names of Average Joe’s Gym (Average Joe’s) and Globo Gym (Purple Cobras) are similar to the names of the protagonists and antagonists (the G.I. Joe team and Cobra Command) in the Hasbro toyline G.I. Joe.

    • The narrator on the cooking show White Goodman is watching while smelling the pizza is Patton Oswalt.

    • Stephen Root and Gary Cole co-starred in Office Space (1999).

    • Christine Taylor and Gary Cole previously appeared together in two movies: The Brady Bunch Movie (1995) and A Very Brady Sequel (1996) as Marcia Brady and Mike Brady, respectively.

    • Justin Long and Missi Pyle previously appeared in Galaxy Quest (1999).

    • Jason Bateman (Pepper Brooks) and Gary Cole (Cotton McKnight) also worked together on Arrested Development (2003) (episode “Exit Strategy”).

    • The name of the bar, where the confrontation between White Goodman’s team and Average Joe’s team occurs, is ‘The Dirty Sanchez’, which is also the term for a less mainstream sexual act.

    • The song that was playing during the introduction of the first team that the Average Joe’s plays (The Girl Scouts) is the same song that is played during the introduction of the last match (when they play Globo Gym).

    • Of the 32 teams in the Las Vegas Tournament, 16 were identified by name or shown in competition. They are: Average Joes, Globo Gym Purple Cobras, Flying Cougars, Team Blitzkrieg, Kamikazies, Skillz that Killz, Las Vegas Police Department, Lumberjacks, M.I.L.F.S., Moose Knuckles, Clown Punchers, Mulchers, She-Mullets, Wedgies, Yetis and Pouncers.

    • Body Count: 2.

    • On April 22, 2013, 20th Century Fox announced that a sequel to this movie was developing, with Clay Tarver writing the screenplay and Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller returning to star. However, Stiller has since stated that he was not aware that a sequel was happening.

    • White Goodman (Ben Stiller) uses an Apple Macbook laptop. In the mid-2000s, Justin Long (Justin) appeared in the “I’m a Mac” commercials for Apple.

    • The DVD contains an alternate ending where Average Joe’s team loses the final match, and the movie goes to the credits as the announcer exclaims that they are going home with absolutely nothing. This was apparently sacked after test audiences were unhappy with it.

    • Patches O’Houlihan (Rip Torn) says “It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob”. This is a reference to “It’s like watching a monkey trying to hump a football”, which was what 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey coach Herb Brooks said to his team when they were preparing for the 1980 Winter Olympic Games in Lake Placid, New York.

    • At the movie’s ending, ESPN 8 announcer Cotton McKnight says, “Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Yes!” This comment is a play on the famous exclamation by Al Michaels, when the United States beat Russia in hockey at the 1980 Olympics, saying, “Do you believe in miracles? Yes!”

    • At the movie’s ending when White Goodman commits a foot foul, his diatribe about being out here and working his butt off and the referee making a poor call like the one he made is meant to mock the similar diatribe made by Jimmy Connors at the 1991 U.S. Open when he said, “I’m out here at thirty-nine-years-old working my butt off, and you make a call like that?!”

    • In the climactic scene of the final Dodgeball match, TV announcer Cotton McKnight uses the term “Down goes Goodman! Down goes Goodman!” This is a reference to Howard Cosell’s famous call from the Heavyweight 1973 championship fight between George Foreman and Joe Frazier, in which he shouted, “Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!”

    • Missi Pyle (Fran) can be seen in a long shot, without make-up during the Average Joe’s commercial at the movie’s ending.

    • When Peter opens the treasure chest, the words DEUS EX MACHINA can be seen inside the lid. This Latin term, meaning God from the machine, refers to the dramatic device of the gods descending from heaven to solve a problem at the end of a play. The money in the chest allows Peter to buy Globex and tie up all the loose ends.

Released: June 18, 2004

Directed By: Rawson Marshall Thurber

Written By: Rawson Marshall Thurber

Stars: Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor, Rip Torn and a bunch of other actors.

Plot: A group of misfits enter a Las Vegas dodgeball tournament in order to save their cherished local gym from the onslaught of a corporate health fitness chain.

Taglines:  A true underdog story.

How did this movie do?
Budget: $20 Million
Box Office: $168 Million

  • In 2005, two New York City screenwriters, David Price and Ashoka Thomas, filed suit in federal court against Fox and Thurber, claiming copyright infringement of an unproduced screenplay they had written, Dodgeball: The Movie. They alleged there were a number of similarities in the plots of the two screenplays, and that Thurber may have had access to their screenplay, which was finished a month before his and submitted to an agent whose assistant he was acquainted with. Lawyers for the defendants dismissed some of the allegations as coincidental. They said that both screenplays were the work of writers who used common formulaic elements.  Judge Shira Scheindlin denied the defense motion for summary judgment and ordered a jury trial. The suit was later settled out of court.
  • David Hasselhoff: His brief cameo as the German team coach is a reference to Hasselhoff’s status as a million-selling pop star in Germany. His character throws down a framed promo photo of himself from Baywatch (1989).

  • David Hasselhoff: cameo as coach of the German team was a last minute addition, after stunt coordinator Alex Daniel mentioned he knew Hasselhoff personally.

  • Chuck Norris: Deciding member of the tournament committee.

  • Director Cameo: Rawson Marshall Thurber – The guy who throws the drink at Steve the Pirate on the Vegas strip.
  • According to many cast members, the hardest part of filming the dodgeball scenes was not flinching when they knew they were about to be hit by a ball.

  • Many studios, including DreamWorks Pictures and Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, passed on this movie. 20th Century Fox finally agreed when Ben Stiller reduced his salary to well under $1 million. As of March 2005, the movie has grossed over $124 million, when it only cost $23 million to make.

  • Adult dodgeball leagues began to spring up across the country around the time of the movie’s release. Cast member Gary Cole was even invited to a tournament in Chicago, Illinois.

  • Justin Long’s eyebrow was actually cut open by the first wrench thrown at him. All the wrenches thrown were made of rubber, but the first was harder than all of the others.

  • Ben Stiller broke three cameras in succession filming one scene, and even hit his wife Christine Taylor in the face once.

  • The unrated DVD contains a fake commentary where Ben Stiller and two main actors do nothing but fight, as well as claim to hate each other, before storming out forty minutes in. The commentary is then replaced with the commentary for There’s Something About Mary (1998). The real commentary is on the DVD as an Easter egg.

  • According to the director’s commentary on the DVD, Rawson Marshall Thurber wrote the roles of Peter La Fleur, White Goodman, and Justin with Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, and Justin Long respectively in mind. The latter was chosen because of his role in Galaxy Quest (1999).

  • Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor had an eighteen-month-old baby at home while shooting this movie. Taylor was so exhausted from taking care of the baby that she often dozed off in between takes.

  • In August 2017, ESPNU changed its name to ESPN8 “The Ocho”, and they actually show obscure sporting events, including Dodgeball Tournaments.

  • The movie refers to the then-fictional ESPN 8 “The Ocho”, as a means to lampoon the channel’s multiple outlets. “The Ocho” is a tongue-in-cheek reference to a nickname formerly used by ESPN2, “The Deuce”.

  • The entire cast practiced playing dodgeball about a month before filming began.

  • Patton Oswalt did the Foley work (voice) for the scene where Ben Stiller is having his “‘private time’ …with sour cream on top…” He also voiced the video store clerk calling about the three overdue videos at the movie’s beginning.

  • In the United States, the movie is promoted with the tagline “Grab life by the ball”. In foreign markets such as the United Kingdom and Australia, this is changed to the more risqué “Grab life by the balls”.

  • The original title of this movie was simply “Underdog”.

  • When Troop 417 first appears, the music heard is the old theme music for WWE wrestlers Michael Lockwood (Crash Holly), Bob Howard (Hardcore Holly), and Nora Greenwald (Molly Holly).

  • Norm MacDonald can be seen in some of the Globo Gym scenes; one is in the Globo Gym commercial, where he is in the background working out. At one point, he is talking to some girl who is working out, and this looks like he is hitting on her.

  • On the Rich Eisen show, Stephen Root said a lot of the audience members during the dodgeball scenes were actually prison inmates.

  • It is a popular fan theory that Ben Stiller’s character is the same person as his Heavyweights (1995) character Tony Perkis in that they are both ego-maniacal fitness gurus who are quite partial to the color purple.

  • Patches O’Houlihan’s (Rip Torn) jacket features unit patches for several U.S. Army units, some of which are: I Corps, 16th Military Police Brigade (missing Airborne tab), 75th Infantry Division, 103rd Infantry Division, and U.S. Army Special Forces (missing Airborne tab; patch is also sewn on upside down).

  • Al Kaplon, who played the tournament referee, was the referee for American Gladiators (2008).

  • Ken Marino auditioned for the role of Steve the Pirate. For the audition, he dressed in full pirate costume.

  • White Goodman (Ben Stiller) says that nobody makes him bleed his own blood, an homage to Nelson Muntz saying, “You made me bleed my own blood” on The Simpsons (1989) (episode “Bart the General”).

  • Before the final match, the crowd cheers “let them play” while the tournament committee decides if the match will go on. This is a tribute to the the scene in The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training (1977), where the Astrodome crowd shouts the same cheer to let the teams keep playing.

  • In a scene together, Ben Stiller’s character comments on Christine Taylor’s “see her lovely bone structure”. In their first movie together, Zoolander (2001), Ben’s character makes a similar comment to “show her bone structure”.

  • Then-unknown future WWE diva and GoDaddy girl Candice Michelle appears as one of the dodgeball cheerleaders.

  • The picture on the wall at Globo Gym with White “grabbing the bull by the horns” is originally a piece of artwork by legendary artist Boris Vallejo titled “Taurus, the Bull” which just has White’s head photo shopped onto the original models body.

  • The team names of Average Joe’s Gym (Average Joe’s) and Globo Gym (Purple Cobras) are similar to the names of the protagonists and antagonists (the G.I. Joe team and Cobra Command) in the Hasbro toyline G.I. Joe.

  • The narrator on the cooking show White Goodman is watching while smelling the pizza is Patton Oswalt.

  • Stephen Root and Gary Cole co-starred in Office Space (1999).

  • Christine Taylor and Gary Cole previously appeared together in two movies: The Brady Bunch Movie (1995) and A Very Brady Sequel (1996) as Marcia Brady and Mike Brady, respectively.

  • Justin Long and Missi Pyle previously appeared in Galaxy Quest (1999).

  • Jason Bateman (Pepper Brooks) and Gary Cole (Cotton McKnight) also worked together on Arrested Development (2003) (episode “Exit Strategy”).

  • The name of the bar, where the confrontation between White Goodman’s team and Average Joe’s team occurs, is ‘The Dirty Sanchez’, which is also the term for a less mainstream sexual act.

  • The song that was playing during the introduction of the first team that the Average Joe’s plays (The Girl Scouts) is the same song that is played during the introduction of the last match (when they play Globo Gym).

  • Of the 32 teams in the Las Vegas Tournament, 16 were identified by name or shown in competition. They are: Average Joes, Globo Gym Purple Cobras, Flying Cougars, Team Blitzkrieg, Kamikazies, Skillz that Killz, Las Vegas Police Department, Lumberjacks, M.I.L.F.S., Moose Knuckles, Clown Punchers, Mulchers, She-Mullets, Wedgies, Yetis and Pouncers.

  • Body Count: 2.

  • On April 22, 2013, 20th Century Fox announced that a sequel to this movie was developing, with Clay Tarver writing the screenplay and Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller returning to star. However, Stiller has since stated that he was not aware that a sequel was happening.

  • White Goodman (Ben Stiller) uses an Apple Macbook laptop. In the mid-2000s, Justin Long (Justin) appeared in the “I’m a Mac” commercials for Apple.

  • The DVD contains an alternate ending where Average Joe’s team loses the final match, and the movie goes to the credits as the announcer exclaims that they are going home with absolutely nothing. This was apparently sacked after test audiences were unhappy with it.

  • Patches O’Houlihan (Rip Torn) says “It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob”. This is a reference to “It’s like watching a monkey trying to hump a football”, which was what 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey coach Herb Brooks said to his team when they were preparing for the 1980 Winter Olympic Games in Lake Placid, New York.

  • At the movie’s ending, ESPN 8 announcer Cotton McKnight says, “Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Yes!” This comment is a play on the famous exclamation by Al Michaels, when the United States beat Russia in hockey at the 1980 Olympics, saying, “Do you believe in miracles? Yes!”

  • At the movie’s ending when White Goodman commits a foot foul, his diatribe about being out here and working his butt off and the referee making a poor call like the one he made is meant to mock the similar diatribe made by Jimmy Connors at the 1991 U.S. Open when he said, “I’m out here at thirty-nine-years-old working my butt off, and you make a call like that?!”

  • In the climactic scene of the final Dodgeball match, TV announcer Cotton McKnight uses the term “Down goes Goodman! Down goes Goodman!” This is a reference to Howard Cosell’s famous call from the Heavyweight 1973 championship fight between George Foreman and Joe Frazier, in which he shouted, “Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!”

  • Missi Pyle (Fran) can be seen in a long shot, without make-up during the Average Joe’s commercial at the movie’s ending.

  • When Peter opens the treasure chest, the words DEUS EX MACHINA can be seen inside the lid. This Latin term, meaning God from the machine, refers to the dramatic device of the gods descending from heaven to solve a problem at the end of a play. The money in the chest allows Peter to buy Globex and tie up all the loose ends.

About The Movie From IMDB

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story | June 18, 2004 (United States) 6.7
Director: Rawson Marshall ThurberWriter: Rawson Marshall ThurberStars: Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor, Vince VaughnSummary:

Photos


See all photos >>

Videos


See all videos >>

Cast

Ben Stiller
...
White Goodman
Christine Taylor
...
Kate Veatch
Vince Vaughn
...
Peter La Fleur
Rip Torn
...
Patches O'Houlihan
Justin Long
...
Justin
Stephen Root
...
Gordon
Joel David Moore
...
Owen
Chris Williams
...
Dwight
Alan Tudyk
...
Steve the Pirate
Missi Pyle
...
Fran
Jamal Duff
...
Me'Shell Jones
Gary Cole
...
Cotton McKnight
Jason Bateman
...
Pepper Brooks
Hank Azaria
...
Young Patches O'Houlihan
Al Kaplon
...
Tournament Referee
Lance Armstrong
...
Lance Armstrong
Chuck Norris
...
Chuck Norris
William Shatner
...
Dodgeball Chancellor

See full cast >>
Countries: Germany, United StatesLanguages: English, German
Source: imdb.com
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6.7
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story | June 18, 2004 (United States)
Director: Rawson Marshall ThurberWriter: Rawson Marshall ThurberStars: Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor, Vince Vaughn
Summary:
Countries: Germany, United StatesLanguages: English, German
Source: imdb.comDisclaimer: This plugin has been coded to automatically quote data from imdb.com. Not available for any other purpose. All showing data have a link to imdb.com. The user is responsible for any other use or change codes.

Quotes

Cotton McKnight: I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.

Pepper Brooks: It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.

Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

Justin: What?

[Patches throws a wrench and hits Justin in the face]

Patches O'Houlihan: [unrated version] Holy hell, son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!

Lance Armstrong: Could I get a bottle of water. - - Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?

Peter La Fleur: Lance Armstrong!

Lance Armstrong: Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.

Peter La Fleur: Really?

Lance Armstrong: Yeah, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. But, good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.

Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.

Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that's keeping you from the finals?

Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.

Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.

Cotton McKnight: In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.

Pepper Brooks: He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.

Peter La Fleur: [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary?

Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?

Peter La Fleur: Probably not.

Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.

Peter La Fleur: ...Okay.

Kate Veatch: For instance, do you realize you haven't collected any membership fees in 13 months?

Peter La Fleur: Hmmm...

Kate Veatch: I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?

Peter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal.

Kate Veatch: Well I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.

Peter La Fleur: Sad? You want to know what's sad? Six grown men playing dodgeball.

Peter La Fleur: You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White, you're a lot dumber than I thought.

White Goodman: Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought that I was once.

Patches O'Houlihan: If you're going to become true dodgeballers, then you've got to learn the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!

White Goodman: I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.

Dwight: [as Kate kisses Joyce] I told you she was a lesbian.

Peter La Fleur: Wow. Good call.

Kate Veatch: Hey! I'm not a lesbian.

Peter La Fleur: You're not?

Kate Veatch: No. I'm bisexual.

[kisses Peter]

Dwight: Oh! Snap!

Patches O'Houlihan: [giving the pre-match pep talk] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!

Peter La Fleur: Look, White, I know that we've had our differences in the past...

White Goodman: Differences? Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers?

Peter La Fleur: That was one night.

White Goodman: Or what about that strip-o-gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one year anniversary?

Peter La Fleur: The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.

White Goodman: It was also a man!

Peter La Fleur: You need some help leaving White?

White Goodman: This doesn't concern you, Lafleur.

Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does, that's for sure, but uh, I believe she asked you to leave.

White Goodman: I get it, you caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils. Pity. I'll let you have your little moment, LaFleur, 'cause after this tournament, your gym, your life - and your gal - are gonna be mine. To be continued.

[Reaches up to caress her]

Kate Veatch: [Judo-grabs White Goodman and slams his face into the wall, leaving a streak of makeup] You don't get to touch me, ever!

Peter La Fleur: Okay, Romeo, let me help you up.

White Goodman: Get off of me, don't you touch me! It is over between us, Kate. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood - nobody!

White Goodman: Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.

Peter La Fleur: Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament.

White Goodman: Yeah, you will take your chances.

Peter La Fleur: I know. I just said that.

White Goodman: I know you just said that.

Peter La Fleur: Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this.

White Goodman: Well, I'm not sure where *you're* going with this.

Peter La Fleur: That's what I said.

White Goodman: That's what I'm saying to *you*.

Peter La Fleur: All right.

White Goodman: ...Touché.

Amber: Justin! I love you!

Justin: I love you t...

White Goodman: [hits Justin in the face with a Dodgeball] Joanie loves Chachi!

Pepper Brooks: Effin' A, Cotton, Effin' A!

Casino Worker: [a casino worker and a security guard wheels out a huge treasue chest] Here are your winnings, Mr. La Fleur. Congratuations.

Peter La Fleur: Right on time. I appreciate it. Thanks, guys.

White Goodman: [curious with anger] Winnings? What winnings? What winnings? What is that?

Peter La Fleur: Oh, gosh! I totally forgot to tell you, White. I took the $100,000 bribe you gave me last night and I put on us to win. We were going at fifty to one. Anyone? Top of your head. What's 50 times $100,000?

Owen: $50,000?

Kate Veatch: $5 million! Peter, are you kidding me?

Peter La Fleur: [opens the treasure chest, revealing stacks of cash] Surprise!

White Goodman: We should mate.

Kate Veatch: What?

White Goodman: Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.

[Kate retches, then forces it down]

White Goodman: Are you okay?

Kate Veatch: I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

White Goodman: In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... *in a book*.

Cotton McKnight: It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.

Cotton McKnight: Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.

Pepper Brooks: Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.

Cotton McKnight: Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match!

Pepper Brooks: Unbelievable!

Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China, I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt, I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here today!

White Goodman: Fuckin' Chuck Norris!

Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.

White Goodman: Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver. The gym is mine! So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and just crawl on outta here!

Peter La Fleur: You're right, White. I can't make you sell back my gym, so I'll just take your advice and invest in something. Say... the controlling stake of Globo Gym.

White Goodman: That's preposterous! I'd never allow it.

Kate Veatch: Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company, there's nothing you can do about it.

Peter La Fleur: So, I would control Globo Gym and... everything that Globo Gym owns. Which as of last night is Average Joe's Gym!

[Average Joe's Team cheering]

Peter La Fleur: I'm your new boss, White.

White Goodman: You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself!

Peter La Fleur: You're fired, pal.

[Kate decapitates White Goodman's cardboard stand-up with a well-aimed dodgeball. Everyone stares at her]

Kate Veatch: What? Eight years of softball.

Dwight: Man, she gotta be a lesbian.

Peter La Fleur: She is *not* a lesbian.

Patches O'Houlihan: All I know is, that dyke can play!

White Goodman: Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade... Laser... Blazer...

Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.

Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.

Cotton McKnight: Oh! Right in the testicles!

Pepper Brooks: Ouchtown, population you, bro!

Dwight: We're still missing the teenage love puppy and Steve the Pirate.

Owen: Who's Steve the Pirate?

Dwight: The only guy on our team that dresses like a pirate!

Owen: Wait, there's a guy on our team who dresses like a pirate?

White Goodman: This is it, La 'Loser.' You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?

Peter La Fleur: Just don't go cryin' to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, White.

White Goodman: You don't go cryin' to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.

Peter La Fleur: Uh, White?

White Goodman: Yeah?

Peter La Fleur: You look awful fat in those pants.

Cotton McKnight: Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!

Kate Veatch: Are you reading the dictionary?

White Goodman: Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.

Patches O'Houlihan: If you want to have dodgeball victory, you have to grab it by its haunches and you gotta hump it into submission!

Fran: I am in extreme state of arousal. Please to make sex all over my face.

Peter La Fleur: Come on, Kate. It's time to put your mouth where our balls are.

Steve the Pirate: The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt. I'll make a barter with ya; true as the north star. In exchange for your kindness, I'll be sharing me buried treasure with ya... once I find it, that be.

Cotton McKnight: And the Average Joe's beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.

Pepper Brooks: I feel *shocked*.

White Goodman: Yeah, I hope you're all happy now. Good guy wins, Bad guy loses. Big freaking surprise. I love happy endings. You know, that's the problem with... the American cinema: Can't handle any complexity in it, you know? "Don't make me think, I just wanna be entertained." All right, fine. You want a little something, something for the ride home? Check these boots out for size.

Steve the Pirate: Steve's gotta go drain the sea-monster.

White Goodman: There's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.

Peter La Fleur: Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?

Justin: Yeah. Why?

Peter La Fleur: Nothing. High school's changed a bit since I was a kid.

White Goodman: I'm white. I'm white. W-H-I-T... E.

Kate Veatch: [outside Kate's house] White? What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?

White Goodman: It's called the Freedom of Information Act, Kate. The hippies finally got something right! Ha-ha! Just kidding. But not really.

Gordon: Hey, Honey!

[his wife gives the "L" sign]

Gordon: "L" for love! Good times.

Dwight: "L" for love? That doesn't mean love, Gordon...

Peter La Fleur: No, it's... people have different translations for different things and that's a special bond that you have with uh... with your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. It's fine.

[last lines]

White Goodman: You happy? Fatty make a funny?

White Goodman: Donde está la biblioteca, Pedro?

Peter La Fleur: White?

White Goodman: We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico City, so I've been boning up on my Spanish.

Peter La Fleur: Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.

Fran: You are the one that stares at me. Why is this?

Owen: [even though Fran is a tough, scary, Slavic woman] Because you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Patches O'Houlihan: I love the smell of queef in the morning.

Pepper Brooks: [Average Joe's team comes out in S & M gear] I feel like I'm watching a Cher video.

Cotton McKnight: [after Average Joes dressed in S&M enters the arena; slowly takes off glasses] Oh, my sweet Jesus.

Pepper Brooks: [stares stupidly] That's rad.

Audience Member: [to Peter] Hey, asshole! You guys *suck*!

Gordon: Guy, not to sound negative, but we've only had one customer, and it's that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.

[the guys turn around to see Justin scrubbing a monster truck]

Weird Guy with Monster Truck: [while picking his belly button] That's it, boy. Get in there nice and deep-like.

Kate Veatch: [Peter sees her house for the first time] I like... unicorns.

Owen: [after Patches O'Houlihan has been killed] Look on the bright side, at least we've still got Peter!

Dwight: Yeah, but Globo Gym's got guys named Laser, and Blazer, and Tazer, and all kinds of "azer's"! Without Patches, we're going to get our taints handed to us, that's what!

Justin: [Whispers to Gordon] What's a taint?

Gordon: I don't know, but it sounds *bad*!

Young Patches O'Houlihan: Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.

White Goodman: This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.

Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does.

Peter La Fleur: Hey, White. I didn't think that Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?

White Goodman: Yes, I did.

Peter La Fleur: You're adopted! Your parents don't even love you!

[after sudden death is announced]

Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness the greatest happening in sport: sudden-death dodgeball.

Pepper Brooks: Pepper needs new shorts!

White Goodman: [a hyper-obese White watches the commercial for Average Joe's before turning off the TV in disgust] Spare me... I won that tournament... fuckin' Chuck Norris!

Patches O'Houlihan: You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!

Patches O'Houlihan: Tomorrow, we're gonna pecker-slap those Globo Gym bastards!

Dwight: I hope he falls off the roller coaster and breaks every bone in his body.

Kate Veatch: Nice Dwight.

Dwight: Hey I'm just sayin' it happens. My cousin Ray-Ray, boop, dead.

Kate Veatch: You fired me so I would date you?

White Goodman: Yuh-huh.

Kate Veatch: You are a crazy little man.

Angry Troop #417 Girl: God damn you, Bernice!

Owen: [after Patches got smashed with sign] Well... it's probably the way he wanted to go...

Dwight: ...What?

Young Patches O'Houlihan: This is Patches O'Houlihan saying "Take care of your balls, and they'll take care of you."

Justin: Well, it'll be worth my while when I make the cheerleading squad this time. Prove to Amber and everyone else that I'm not a loser.

Peter La Fleur: Wait, you want to make the cheerleading squad to prove to a girl that you are not a loser?

Justin: Yeah... Why?

Peter La Fleur: Nothing, just high school's changed a little since I was a kid.

[first lines: Globo Gym commercial]

Globo Gym Ad Narrator: Tired of the same old you? Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex? Tired of being overweight and under-attractive?

White Goodman: [finishing a ride on the skis] Yeah! Oh, hello. I'm White Goodman, Owner, Operator, and Founder of Globo Gym America Corp, and I'm here to tell you that you don't have to be stuck with what ya got.

[a buffed Globo Gym member is lifting weights]

White Goodman: Hey, Rory. Looking good. Here at Globo Gym, we understand that "Ugliness" and "Fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.

[climbing on the rocky wall; grunts]

White Goodman: And that's where we come in.

[cackling]

White Goodman: Globo Gym employs a highly-trained, quasi-cultural staff of personal alterational specialists. And with our competitively-priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning into a Franken-fine!

[wheels out a bandaged-like-a-mummy person in a wheelchair]

White Goodman: Of course you'll still be you in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you than you could ever become without us. How do I know? Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym. I'm also a client.

[a picture of a 600-pound White Goodman from 14 years ago]

White Goodman: That's me. Six years and 600 pounds ago... before I knew how much I hated myself. But that all changed once I founded Globo Gym. But don't just take my word for it. Listen to these Globo-Gymers tell you how it is.

Peter La Fleur: You had me at blood and semen.

Dwight: We could sell blood and semen.

[everyone gives him a strange look]

Dwight: What? Not mixed together.

Cotton McKnight: Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra. A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup, World Series and World War II combined.

Peter La Fleur: Don't worry so much about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end.

Justin: Thanks, Pete.

Peter La Fleur: You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.

White Goodman: Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky. In her home country of Romanovia, dodgeball is the national sport and her nuclear power plant's team won the championship five years running, which makes her the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball. Ball me, Blazer.

[Blazer passes him a dodgeball]

White Goodman: Show them, Fran.

[Fran takes the ball and hurls it at a man on the other side of the bar, knocking him into the jukebox. He drops to the floor, limp]

White Goodman: And that's just her change-up. End of demo. We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, and we will, we will, rock you!

Justin: [frightened whisper] I think that guy might really be dead.

White Goodman: So, that's the deal... I give you $100,000. You sign over the deed to your gym. Period. End o' story.

Peter La Fleur: You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White? You're a lot dumber than I thought.

White Goodman: Hmm. Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought I was once.

Kate Veatch: Mr La Fleur, I can assure you this is a very serious situation.

Peter La Fleur: Yeah, no, this is extremely serious, Mrs, uh, Veach...

Kate Veatch: It's Ms. I'm going to need to review all of your financial statements and assess any tax liabilities there may be.

Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. I don't know how you say Ms for a Mr 'cause it's just Mr, but if there was a Ms Mr, I'm a Ms as well.

Kate Veatch: That... is a really interesting painting.

White Goodman: Thank you. Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns. It's how I handle business. It's a metaphor.

Kate Veatch: I get it.

White Goodman: But that actually happened, though.

Peter La Fleur: That feels good. Oh, that tickle machine

[chuckles]

Peter La Fleur: [Peter's dog, Crash, jumps on him]

Peter La Fleur: Crash, no! Crash, out! Bad dog! No grundle.

White Goodman: [from the G.G. commercial] C'mon down and join the winning team, because here at Globo Gym...

White & The Globo Gym Team: [all together] We're better than you...

White Goodman: and we know it!

Peter La Fleur: [disgust] Spare me.

[a classic Dodgeball instructional film begins]

Uber Film Narrator: [U.A.I.F fanfare] Uber-American Instructional Films, teaching America's youth since 1938.

[Opening; A boy rides a scooter, while a girl jogs behind him. Now we see a young boy painting a fence]

Uber Film Narrator: Hey there, Timmy!

Timmy: [yells] Holy mackerel, Mister. You scared the jeepers out of me.

Uber Film Narrator: How would you like to take a break from that fine lead-based paint... and learn about Dodgeball?

Timmy: Boy, would I!

[the next scene take Timmy into a Opium Dem in China]

Timmy: Wow! Where am I, Mister?

Uber Film Narrator: You're in a Chinese Opium Dem, Timmy. This is where the sport of Dodgeball was invented in the 15th Century... by Opium-addictive Chinamen. But back then, the Chinamen threw severed heads at each other, instead of the A.D.A.A.-approved balls we use today.

Timmy: A.D.A.A.?

Uber Film Narrator: That's the American Dodgeball Association of America. Dodgeball is played with six players on each team... and six rubber balls. The object of the game is to eliminate the opposing players. Once all the players on team are eliminated, the opposing team wins!

Timmy: Wow! I can't wait to get the fellas together and play!

Patches O'Houlihan: I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.

Steve the Pirate: I'm gonna send you all to hell!

White Goodman: In thirty days I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness. And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your membership, are inside it when I do.

White Goodman: [about Average Joe's] Oh, really, you like it over there with those freaks in Losertown?

Kate Veatch: Freaks? They're not freaks, they're people just like you and me.

White Goodman: People, haha, people just like you and me! That is what I love about you Kate! You've got a *personality*!

[the Average Joes are dressed in S&M leather]

Audience Member: Hey, asshole! You guys suck!

White Goodman: [the judges vote to let Average Joe's play] That is pure poppycock!

[while everyone is doing the shuttle run]

Patches O'Houlihan: Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!

White Goodman: Oh, hello, Kate. I wasn't aware I was paying you to "socialize".

Kate Veatch: You're not. I'm off the clock.

White Goodman: Well, isn't that convenient for you? And the clock.

[White reaches out to kiss Kate]

White Goodman: To be continued...

[She twists his arm and slams his face into the wall]

Kate Veatch: You don't get to touch me, ever!

White Goodman: Here at Globo Gym we're better than you, and we know it.

Peter La Fleur: Thank you, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris: Thank *you*, Peter.

Cotton McKnight: It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.

Pepper Brooks: I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.

White Goodman: Oh, Kate, I didn't realize you were here.

Kate Veatch: You asked me to come, White.

White Goodman: [reading a dictionary] Well, you caught me, I like to break a mental sweat too.

White Goodman: We ARE the Globo Gym Purple Cobras... and we will, we will, rock you!

[the whole team slaps their thighs, then rears up and hisses loudly]

Kate Veatch: I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.

Peter La Fleur: Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?

Kate Veatch: Sexual harassment, mostly.

Owen: I'm gonna catch up with you guys later. I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink... in the bathroom.

Dwight: Whatever you do, wash your hands.

Cotton McKnight: We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.

Pepper Brooks: They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.

German Coach: [shouting in German] You are all swine! You have brought shame to your houses! Losers!

Peter La Fleur: Well, if you can't raise fifty thousand dollars with an impromptu carwash, I guess it just wasn't in the cards.

Pepper Brooks: Good toss by the submissive out there!

Patches O'Houlihan: I've got some hookers in my room. What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.

Peter La Fleur: No, thanks I'll just stick with the scarf, but thank you.

Patches O'Houlihan: Suit yourself, queer.

[Patches turns and drives off]

Justin: How many teams are in this qualifier?

Gordon: Uh, two.

Justin: So all we have to do is beat this team and we're in the Vegas Open, right?

Gordon: Yeah!

Owen: That seems pretty simple.

Dwight: Who's the other team?

Gordon: Uh, I have it right here, just a second... Troop 417.

Steve the Pirate: Christ! We're playin' Boy Scouts!

Peter La Fleur: Not quite!

[Troop 417 are tough-looking Girl Scouts; one spits on the ground]

Steve the Pirate: BOLLOCKS!

White Goodman: My gym is worth more than four million dollars, your gym isn't even worth four. My gym has stockholders, your gym doesn't even have cup holders.

Peter La Fleur: Why would I want cup holders.

Peter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya, it feels phenomenal!

White Goodman: [to Peter La Fleur] Globo Gym is a beacon of human physical perfection... a benchmark in the fitness community! Your "gym" is a skidmark on the underpants of society!

Patches O'Houlihan: [Giving advice from beyond the grave to Peter LaFleur at the climactic game] Listen up, crotch stain. Remember your training, and trust your instincts. You can do it! I believe in you! Bye-bye!

Patches O'Houlihan: You're about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.

Patches O'Houlihan: My sweet dick, it's magic!

Justin: This place is too important to us! Gordon, where do you go when your wife changes the locks?

Gordon: Average Joe's.

Justin: Right! Dwight, Owen, what are you going to do if Average Joe's closes? You gonna work at the airport again?

Dwight: Say what? I ain't working at no airport!

Justin: No, 'cause you hated it! Steve! Where is it you go to do... whatever it is that you do?

Steve the Pirate: Garrr! Joe's be the only place for Steve!

White Goodman: Team? What team? Your best player thinks he's a pirate.

Peter La Fleur: First of all, he is way more of a pirate than you'll ever be!

White Goodman: It was an accident, come on! I thought she was in play!

Tournament Referee: Not a chance.

White Goodman: Well, we're sweating like greased monkeys out of here and I can't hold on a new ball.

Tournament Referee: [whistle blowing] No elimination, double fault! Double fault, you stepped over the line on the throw! Double fault!

White Goodman: What?

[comes over to Referee, Me'Shell snarls]

White Goodman: You gotta be out of your mind, that is the worst call I've ever seen! I mean I'm out here busting my butt, and you come in here with a bush-league call like that?

Me'Shell Jones: Come on!

White Goodman: That is total bullcrap!

Tournament Referee: ADAA Continuation 113-D, sir. Sudden Death!

[All the crowd cheering]

White Goodman: All right, bring it.

White Goodman: Nobody makes White Goodman bleed his own blood.

White Goodman: At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.

[closing credits; 1st ever Average Joe's commerical upon the takeover from Globo Gym]

Peter La Fleur: Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur, Owner and Operator of Average Joe's Gym. And I'm here to tell you, you're perfect just the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, gettin' healthier, and making some good friends in the process...

[hands a towel to a female member]

Peter La Fleur: ...then Joe's is the place for you. Don't forget that Youth Dodgeball classes are forming right now. So come on down and learn a great game the way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?

Average Joe's Kids: Right!

[throws the balls at Peter and the team]

White Goodman: Prepare to be humiliated on cable television!

Dwight: Bad morning boss?

Peter La Fleur: They usually follow good nights, Dwight.

Dodgeball Chancellor: Captains, shake hands. Let's have a clean match.

Peter La Fleur: [holds out his hand] Good luck, White.

White Goodman: [reaches to take it, then pulls a psych] Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur!

White Goodman: And they love you. Whoo, do they love you. You're their Fonzie, Pete. "Heeeeey." Right?

White Goodman: Suck failure, freaks.

Patches O'Houlihan: [about Gordon getting angry] Go you crazy son of a bitch GO!

Patches O'Houlihan: Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.

White Goodman: You're going down like a sweet muffin!

Voice on phone: This is Seth from Videorama. The following DVDs are now overdue: "Drunken Hussies 3", "Backdoor Patrol 5" and "Bona Lisa Smile". Thank you.

Peter La Fleur: You must be "Daddy"...

Peter La Fleur: There's someone out there for everybody.

Owen: You think?

Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".

White Goodman: Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. I have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders.

White Goodman: Do you smell that fitness? I do.

Steve the Pirate: Yarr, I be the dread pirate Steve!

Fran: Please to do it again... from the backside.

White Goodman: You like the freaky stuff, huh? That's cool. I can be naughty, too. Real, freaky naughty.

White Goodman: I know you've been hiding some feelings for me.

Kate Veatch: Yeah. Nausea. If you don't leave in two seconds, you'll know how that feels.

[before the championship game]

Peter La Fleur: Okay guys, let's play smart. Wait for your two-on-ones, cover closely for your pickups. What's our team motto?

Owen: Aim low?

Peter La Fleur: That's right. All I'm asking is that you give it your best for Patches. I say we go out there, we let it all hang loose, try to have some fun. I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?

[Everyone laughs]

Peter La Fleur: Put 'em in.

[Hands in]

Peter La Fleur: One, two, three...

Peter La Fleur, Owen, Justin, Kate Veatch, Dwight, Gordon: JOE'S!

Cotton McKnight: Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's doing a little more dancing than dodgeballing out there.

Pepper Brooks: They better chiggity-check themselves before they wreck themselves, Cotton.

Mr. Ralph: Unfortunately for Troop 417, during the ADAA-required random drug screening, one of your player's urine tested positive for 3 separate types of anabolic steroids & a low-grade... beaver tranquilizer. I'm afraid, by rule, your team must be disqualified.

Angry Troop #417 Girl: [throws her cap into Bernice's chest and storms off] Goddamn you Bernice! Ooohh!

[Bernice, a very hairy & large girl with a very deep voice & slight mustache cries into her hands]

Mr. Ralph: By the power vested in me, I declared the winner of this year's Dodgeball regional qualified tournament and grammar jamboree to be... Average Joe's Gym!

[Peter, Owen, Gordon, Justin, Dwight and Steve the Pirate cheering]

Angry Troop #417 Girl #2: [to Bernice] You lied!

[Bernice crying continues]

Tournament Referee: That's court misconduct! That's a warning!

White Goodman: Oh, come on! Give me a break!

[repeated line]

Tournament Referee: Winner: Average Joe's!

White Goodman: [after credits scene, White Goodman is dancing to Kelis' Milkshake] My milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like its better than yours, damn right its better than yours, I could teach you but I have to charge

[stops singing]

White Goodman: Fatty make it funny

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